Retirement Humour II

More of our our popular retirement humour to warm the cockles of your heart. 


There's nothing funnier than real life and  retirement humour seems to tell it as it is.

As we struggle with the fact that our minds and bodies are not quite what they were thank goodness we can still laugh about it.

Hopefully no one will be offended by the reference to different religions in the following jokes and you will laugh with us .



God's Plan For Aging

Even God has a sense of humour.

He recognises most seniors never get enough exercise.


In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
Then God saw there was another need.

In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.



Retirement Humour Gives Us
9 Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older.

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich..

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.



The Jewish Cab Driver

Retirement humour can even be found at the Taxi Rank.

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"


The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."


The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my body sweetie, what are you doing then?"


He paused a moment, then told her...

"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair  is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?


Now, that's a REAL Businessman!


THE HOSPITAL BILL

Retirement Humour can even be found in those life and death situations.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic  Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.


He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my
brother-in-law."



Inner Peace

And finally as we grow older some tips on how to find  that inner peace we've been seeking.

  • If you can start the day without caffeine,
  • If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
  • If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
  • If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help,
  • If you can relax without alcohol,
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


...Then You Are Probably .....

THE FAMILY DOG!

You'll find more retirement humour at the links below.


Retirement Humour - jokes on technology and gowing old

Old Age Jokes and Quotes by famous people

Aging Babyboomers Take a Trip down Memory Lane

Babyboomers-Remember - Food in the 1950's

Babyboomers-Remember Part II

A Babyboomer's Memories of The Good Old Days

Aging-Baby-Boomers reflect on life

Church Humour

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