A Selection of Old Age Jokes and Quotes!

There are lots of old age jokes and quotes in circulation and this is a selection of some of my favourites:



Old age Jokes - A View on Aging
 

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.


"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.


You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.


"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!


But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?


You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 And your dreams are gone.


But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!


So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.


You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!


You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.


Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."


Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"


May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


Source: http://www.mabels.org.uk


There are even old age jokes on the facts of life!

sleepy cartoon figure
smiley faces

Old Age Jokes Quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

 

Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.
 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?

A: I remember these.

 

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?

A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

 

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

 

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?

A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.

 

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?

A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

 

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?

A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.

 

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?

A: On their forehead.

cartoon-2 fat ladies conversing over garden  wall

Old Age Jokes on the Perks Of Being Over The Hill


There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.  

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Things that you buy now won't wear out.

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Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable   size.

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 You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

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    Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

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    You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

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    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.

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    You can sing along with elevator music.

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    Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.

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    Your eyes won't get too much worse.

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    Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

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    People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "

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    You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.

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    You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

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    In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.

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    No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

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    You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.



Source:  http://www.jokesclean.com/Age/

 

Aunty Acid with walking frame

Old Age Jokes by Famous People!


I don't mind the thought of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens! - Spike Milligan


On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."  Woody Allen


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"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." Rita Rudner

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"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time." Greer Garson

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"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns

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"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." Woody Allen

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"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."  George Burns

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"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did." Robert Benchley

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"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt." Herbert Hoover

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"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill." George Burns

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"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."  Milton Berle

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"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." Sophie Tucker

smiley faces

Old age jokes looks at the value of friends!

old ladies promise to be best friends

and yes there's more old age jokes on the definition of OLD!


Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.


Old is when your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.


Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.


Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.


Old is when your wife says “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both”


And he adds Sure I’ve gotten old I’ve had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92 but

Thank God I still have my driver’s licence!

cartoon of supergran's chairlift

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.  - Bob Hope
 
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
 - W. C. Fields
 
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  - Will Rogers
 
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.  - Winston Churchill
 
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..  - Phyllis Diller
 
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  - Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.


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